Oh me of little faith...

Full disclosure... life, financially speaking, has been hard for us for a long time. We are so blessed and optimistic of all that God will do with this new company He has given Jason but it has been slow going. Jason works hard - so hard. He and his friend MG have worked so hard at making connections and getting new clients and we have such hope of what PCSOS can be. But starting anything is hard - and we started already behind when it comes to money. So every dollar that comes in is already owed somewhere else. And even when there is work the bill might not be paid for a month. We wish we could have consistent income, We wish w could have a normal budget but it just feels like we are playing catch-up when we'd rather be trying to move ahead and get out of debt and have a little stability.
We trust our heavenly Father. We have been AMAZED at how many times we have had God's people help us financially  - buy us groceries - fix or cars - pay our mortgage - pay for an event we wouldn't have been able to attend- ask Jason to fix their computer and way over pay him. Time and time again we have seen this. How could I ever lose sight of HIM in it all??  We know He has us where He wants us but I must confess - the last three days have been a little hard - and my heart has been sinful and I have lost sight of God's faithfulness. I smile on the outside and say "God is good" and say "He is faithful" but I knew yesterday that I was questioning Him. "Why can't we be out of this struggle? When will You let us prosper in this business? When will Jason be free of this horribly heavy burden? When will we stop being the friends that have no money and can't do anything? When will we be able to go buy our kids shoes just because they need them?"

I had eyes turned in to self and that always ends badly. We are waiting on bills and have had slow days and for the first time we were unable to pay our mortgage this month. Not wanting to ask - yet again - to someone who might be able to help out we just settled in that we would have to take he blow of having the missed payment reported to the credit bureau and we would have to come up with extra money to do a payment and a half the next two months. This is where God wanted us - right? We have talked about me getting a job which may be the best plan. But contemplating it all became a cloud that blocked my view of a loving sovereign God. I even started to question Him in more aggressive ways.  "How does having financially blessed people bail us out bring you great glory? Couldn't that happen to anyone? How are You going to work all of this out in a way that shows it had to be You?"

I didn't completely lose heart. I knew I needed to accept His plan. I need to be ready to go where He wants me and help my family when they need me. I knew He is working all things together for our good - but I've been fearing what that path might be? He doesn't promise lots of money or financial security. He promises blessings to the faithful and He promises HIS faithfulness to us.

I called the mortgage company around 3:00 (they close at 3:30 on Fridays). I told them with great regret that we could not make our payment. The girl on the the phone was sweet. Set us up to pay a payment and a half for he next two months. Reminded me that this would get reported on our credit. I knew that. I gulped. We hung up.

At 4:04 as I was walking in the the library with the chickens. A dear friend calls and says "We'd like to pay your mortgage - and before the end of day so you don't default." I was overwhelmed and gave this person the info to call but I knew they closed business at 3:30 on Fridays and that this was the last business day of the month. And yet, just moments later - while picking our picture books with Pips I get a text saying "Taken care of... now it's not hanging over your head. We love you. Let's not talk about his anymore - pretend it was anonymous. I'm glad and thankful and humbled that God chooses to use flawed people to answer prayer. He gets the glory and the credit. It all belongs to Him and we give out the gifts He gives to us. By His grace and for His glory alone. He is good, my friend."

I wanted to sob right there in the easy reader H-M section. Not only did God send His people to sweep in a the last moment he used a family that is not "financially blessed." They don't have extra money just laying around. I am sure there are many many things they could have done with that money. And they sacrificed for us because of the work the Lord has done in their hearts.

Could God be trying to get my attention any more??? What else does He need to do to prove that He holds us and has us right where He wants us. He is not punishing us, He is not messing with us, He is holding us closely and doing what is best for us. I keep saying.... if living day by day, month by month, year by year (sigh) depending on God desperately for every dollar is what it takes for us to LOVE Him more and NEED him more and WANT Him more - then wouldn't we be fools to want anything else????? The problem is that there is still a lot of foolishness in my heart. And yet... He is faithful.  Not because I earn it or deserve but because I am HIS and He loves me.

.... Oh for grace to trust Him more.